I'm now doing Garry's Mod crap.
Expect Garry's Mod crap.

Hmmm..... I seem to have let my DA account go yo waste. How to fix, how to fix.....

Oh yeah, i'm back. I deleted some journal entries that I frowned down upon.

Okay, so i'm makinga flash movie right now as my latest attempt to get the internet's attention. I call it "You Broke the Internet". The concept? Waste my summer by making a flash scene, no matter how piss-poor it is, everyday for 92 days. So far the scenes range from thought-out acceptible works ("Puppet Dr. Phil", "Diet Bastard") to just plain shit ("Circles"). I plan to put it out in September, but that might change because September is also the month thats holding "Madness Day".

Another idea? Since i've realized that my VG Cats comic has done better than my Photoshop wallpapers, I think i'll go back to the reason I became part of the internet: making comics. First, I need to find me an acceptible drawing style (i'd like to learn manga/anime), then use one of my many comic concepts.

So what am I doing right now? I'm making articles for a nice little site called "FlashWiki", a Wikipedia for all things Flash. It's also where I make articles for various flashes I like. Here's what the authors of the works had to say:

, creator of "Attack of the Evil TV"
"<3333333333333333333333333333333333333333 333333333333333333333333333333333333333"

I'm greater than a bunch of thress. That's probably a good thing. Wait, or is it less-than quotation mark....? Fuck.

, creator of Greasy Moose
"Paulrus I was shocked when I saw how much you had written, i had no idea it was possible to write so much about the flashes!!! you know them pretty damn well! thanks a lot for doing that, you did a fantastic job."

He then gave me a pelvic thrust of approval.

I also made one for Jeffery Weise's "Target Practise", but he's currently burning in hell so he wasn't available for comment.

Everytime I get approval from someone better than me, its like being smacked with a barbed-wire bat of happiness.

My next projects for FlashWiki:
*Arfenhouse
*Knox's Korner

Toodles, my non-existant fanbase!

Back.

On Saturday, I went to a Halo tournament with the rest of my team Gamers With Issues. We lost. Big time.

Our causes?
1- Lack of practice
2- Lack of teamwork
3- Crappy and self centered teammates.

We're gonna do it next year, but we're getting rid of the two main nunsances. (an asshole named Cody and the team captains obnoxious little brother.)


In other news........

Jack Thompson is a dumbfuck, but i'm sure ya'll knew that.

That post was getting annoying. So I boinked it off. YAY!

Beh! I can't take it anymore. I'm falling to pieces. I have all these self-problems that I can't solve or don't want to solve that are just eating me away from the inside. Religion, identity, sexuallity, intelligence. Some may call it an 'identity crisis'; I call it being fucked up mentally.

Over the past year i've been questioning alot of myself and developing new problems from it.

Over the past 3-4 years i've been into porn. I've since developed the habit of telling my Mom about it. Because of it, she has become irritated and has told me the same thing why I shouldn't. I still do it, but now I debate if I live with the shame of doing it or tell Mom and get scalded.... only to do it again anyways.

This has evolved into a new problem: do I really deserve anything from going back on those promises I made to not do it again? This is where Religion steps in. On one side, being Catholic, I belive that God is angry with me and that certain things that happen to me and my family is 'punishment' for my actions. The other side relates to statements that my Canadian Net friend makes about religion. Saying its 'mind control' (probably a joke) and other things.

Then theres my family. My Dad isn't exactly the smartest human being on the planet, going off rambling about things off topic and always forgetting things, claming its his age/stress or saying "I just have too many things on my mind." We think its Adult ADD, but instead on going onto a percription he relys on Ginko Biloba. Then theres my Mom. Saracastic, and always bitchy when she gets up. She loves my Dad but her patience with him is wearing thin. I belive that she just has constant mood swings from her smoking habit. It seems that every night they argue about every little thing. Both are stubborn, equally not ammiting that the other one is right and that one of them is right.

My brother, Abe, is a high-functioning autistic. Despite his age, he acts like a little kid. Lately, he has developed an interest for what he calls "TFs". (Humans transforming into animals) The child-like behavior and new interest for TFs combined last Sunday when we were putting our files onto disks before whe had to restart the whole computer. When it came around to Abe, he had the plan to put all of his TFs onto one disk and the other 1-2 files onto another one. Mom wanted all of the files onto 1 disk and he just lost it. He made the claim that adding the other 2 files would 'interfere' with the other files. Eventully it all settled down and he put the files on there.

My patience with Abe is reaching its end. We constanly complains when we ask him to do simple tasks, he over reacts, and was hateful to his fellow co-workers earlier this year. (who are all mentally retarded)

Then I have my self esteem: its plumitting. I have a series of blames from this.

1- My brother Matt, aka *MacroKaiju* here on DA. He is the smart guy of the whole household. It really damaged my self esteem when he won a bunch of awards and scholarships earlier this year, making me look like a dumbass. Its damaged furthur when I think of dumb things i've done and the fact that I had to repeat the 4th grade (he did too, and look at him!) He is also a way better drawler than me. He has been practicing and I haven't (I usually give up when I don't get my idea into a drawling or reality immediately.)
2-My friend Gordon. He has a different view of society and when he dosen't laugh at my jokes I get upset. I blame my way of not telling good jokes on my speech. I studder, try to be specific, and go back to correct myself. Thus, I begin to think that i'm not funny anymore.

I'm also horrible at deision making. I always end up thinking about the bad things about that choice and I end up just loosing it.

I also don't see why we should be forced to be happy. I get this image in my head with a bunch of people with wide YIM-style grins. We got pills for depression/not being happy enough. (Zoloft: Synthetic Happiness) I guess I just enjoy being gloomy. I;ve also consitered turning Goth.

Theres alot more but I rather not talk about it on a public website. Alot of these problems didn't even come out right into text. I just needed to get this thoughts off my back. I don't really know what my true problem is. My ideas may be false or are just made as lies to myself. I truly blame myself because I spent the 7th grade banging my head on my desk for attention. I also think that all these problems are a result from not taking my ADD medication for a full school year and that I just thought of alot of things when I worked at my summer job.

To anyone who actullay gave a damn about this whole thing, I like some advice to help me get myself out of this pit i've dug myself into.